Bem-vindos, bienvenue and welcome to Sports Mole's live coverage of the opening ceremony for the 2016 Olympic Games. The fun stuff gets underway in two hours' time, but in between now and then I'll be here to get you suitably warmed up. Trust me, you'll be positively salivating - dripping, even - by the time midnight rolls around.

The Brazilian city of Rio de Janeiro is our host for this 31st edition of the Olympic Games (or more accurately, the 28th edition if you discount the three that were cancelled by the two World Wars). Over the next 16 days, 306 events will be contested in 28 sports across 32 venues in Rio, with some football matches additionally taking place in Sao Paolo, Belo Horizonte and Brazil's capital Brasilia.

OLYMPIC FIRSTS! Rio 2016 marks the first time that the Olympics have been held in South America (hang in there Antarctica, your time is coming), the first time they've been held in a Portuguese-speaking country and the first time they've been held during the host country's Winter season. No need for visitors to whip out the mitts and muffs though: the average temperature in Rio in August is still a pretty-decent 22 degrees.

With 6.5 million inhabitants, Rio is the second most-populated city in Brazil, behind only Sao Paolo (11.9 million). That number will swell significantly over the next few weeks, with an estimated 500,000 visitors expected to descend upon the city for the Games and the ensuing Paralympics.

The influx of tourists will provide a much-welcome boost to local businesses, including the thriving sex trade. Prostitution is legal in Brazil and around 12,000 sex workers will be targeting randy travellers in Rio. One escort, who claims to want "the Olympic gold for sex", told the Daily Mail that she normally charges £100 for an hour of intimacy but intends to hike up her prices during Games-time.

As mentioned, there are 28 sports on the programme in Rio, an increase of two on London 2012. The two additions are golf, which is back after a 112-year absence, and rugby sevens, which is making its Olympic debut in Brazil.

More than 11,000 athletes representing 205 countries have made the trip to Brazil, including debuts for Kosovo and South Sudan, with an additional nine athletes from Kuwait classified as "Independent Olympic Participants" operating under the Olympic flag. Kuwait was suspended from participating in the Rio Games last year after the International Olympics Committee deemed there to be "undue government interference" in the country's sporting regulations.

In one of the Games' most noteworthy and heartwarming stories, there will be one additional team competing for Olympic glory this time around. The 'Refugee Olympic Team' is a ten-strong group of athletes who found themselves displaced by the migrant crisis that has engulfed Africa and Europe over the last year. The special team comprises five runners from South Sudan, two swimmers from Syria, two judokas from DR Congo and one marathoner from Ethiopia.

One of those swimmers is Yusra Mardini, who gained international recognition last year for the tale of her escape from Syria. Yusra was travelling with her sister from Turkey to Greece along with 18 other refugees when their boat's engine suddenly lost power and the vessel began taking on water. Followed by her sister, Yusra jumped into the water and then spent three hours physically pushing the boat on to its destination of Lesbos.

Not content with being the world's fastest man, Usain Bolt is hoping to add one more accolade to his CV in Rio by becoming the first person to complete a so-called "triple-triple" - winning golds in the 100m, 200m and 4x100m relay for the third time. Securing three pieces of bling may not be as clearcut for Bolt this time around, however, after he suffered a hamstring tear at Jamaica's Olympic trials last month.

The most decorated Olympian of all time, Michael Phelps, will be back in the pool looking to add to his haul of 18 golds after deciding to come out of retirement two years ago. Compatriot Serena Williams - defending singles and doubles champion from 2012 - will be aiming to pick up her fifth gold, while the USA basketball team are looking to make it three golds in a row.

Meanwhile, Team GB have set themselves a minimum target of 48 medals following their impressive tally of 65 (29G, 17S, 19B) on home soil four years ago. If achieved, that would make Rio the most successful overseas Olympics for Team GB, surpassing the 47 earned in Beijing in 2008. Indeed, hopes are high, with the likes of Mo Farah, Sir Bradley Wiggins, Nicola Adams, Adam Peaty, Jessica Ennis-Hill and Andy Murray all tipped to win top honours in their respective fields.

For all its high-profile attendees, there are some notable names missing from the list of participants. The golf tournament will be without the sport's top four stars - Jason Day, Jordan Spieth, Rory McIlroy and Dustin Johnson - all of whom have withdrawn over the Zika virus, while the tennis competition will be without Milos Raonic, Tomas Berdych, Simona Halep and the Bryan brothers for the same reason.

Ahh, Zika. The Z-word. The Zika virus - spread by mosquitoes - can have devastating effects for pregnant women, potentially causing long-term damage to the unborn child. Zika can be spread through sexual activity, leading the World Health Organisation to recommend that all travellers to Rio use condoms for all forms of sex, including oral sex, for up to six weeks after returning home. Although the risks are low - mosquitoes are less common in Rio in August - many athletes have chosen to pull out completely.

For those that have stayed, the organisers are taking no chances and have tripled the number of condoms being made available via giant green vending machines in the athletes' village. More than 450,000 condoms are being provided - the equivalent of 42 per athlete, enough for two sexual adventures per day. The haul still might not be sufficient though, with US gymnast Danell Leyva remarking: "Hmm, 450,000? I hope that's going to be enough."

Zika is just one of many shadows being cast over Rio, however. Concerns over crime are rife: street robberies are up 81% and murder is up 38% in Rio over the last year - this in a country that has nearly 60,000 murders annually and is home to 21 of the world's 50 most dangerous cities. Yesterday three tourists were robbed at gunpoint, while New Zealand's jujitsu champion Jason Lee has claimed that he was kidnapped before being forced to withdraw large sums of money in cash. Authorities have responded by drafting in 88,000 security personnel, almost twice the number required in London.

The question of whether Brazil is ready to host the Games has hung large for several months and when the first athletes started arriving in Rio last month, they weren't happy. The Australian team initially refused to move into the village, citing problems with electric, water and gas as well as unfinished rooms. Aussie basketballer Andrew Bogut, who plays with the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA, kept his Twitter followers updated/amused with details of his living conditions:

Although organisers have now moved to clean up many of the problems in the athletes' village, it is still far from harmony in camp. Earlier today it was reported that nine items of luggage have allegedly been stolen from Team GB athletes, leading many to ban cleaners from entering their rooms in the village. The poor Aussies have also been the victim of thieves, having seen kit and laptops develop legs and go wandering during a routine fire drill.

The media in Rio have also had a bad time of it, with numerous complaints emerging from journalists staying in the media village. One tweeted a picture of water pouring out of a hole in the wall of his bathroom, while another claimed that his bed was still being assembled as he checked in.

Russia has provided the biggest talking point leading up to the Games, having almost found itself excluded from participating altogether after allegations emerged of state-sponsored doping at recent Summer and Winter Olympic Games. At one point the IOC considered a blanket ban on all Russian athletes but ultimately decided to put the decision in the hands of individual sporting federations. In all, 271 athletes have been cleared to participate in Rio, while 118 athletes - including the entire track and field team - have been removed.

One hour to go now, so let's turn our attentions to tonight's proceedings. The opening ceremony has several ever-present components: a celebration of the host's culture, the lighting of the Olympic cauldron, speeches from various dignitaries... and flags. Lord no, not the flags. 207 of the things will be paraded past us in the seemingly interminable, bum-numbing 'Parade of Nations', which begins as usual with Greece, before cycling through every other nation in alphabetical order (according to the Portuguese language) and finishing with hosts Brazil.

Our setting for tonight's grand opening is the Maracana Stadium, which has a capacity of around 79,000 and plays host to the national team as well as the Brasileiro Serie A sides Flamengo and Fluminense. Most recently the venue was used to host seven games at the 2014 World Cup, including the final, which saw Germany edge out Argentina 1-0 in added extra time.

So what can we expect from the fun part of the ceremony? Danny Boyle's epic history lesson in 2012 set the bar high, but his Brazilian counterparts are not attempting to go one better. Working to only a tenth of London's £27m budget, they are instead going down a more creative route, with director Andrucha Waddington saying: "Athens was classic, Beijing was grandiose, London was smart - ours is going to be cool."

The production has been five years in the making and includes more than 6,000 volunteers wearing 12,000 costumes. That's two apiece. Greedy. Curiously, the organisers have been comparing their show to cult spy drama MacGyver in press interviews leading up to the event. It's being divided into three segments: the first has a "strong environmental message" and portrays Brazil as the world's last remaining "garden", the second is about human diversity, and the third is "Brazil's greeting to the world".

Renowned supermodel Gisele Bundchen is expected to feature in a sketch in which she is mugged, before her assailant is chased around the stadium by armed police. No doubt a hilarious nod to the outrageous crime rates in the country. Meanwhile, all-round British ledge Dame Judi Dench will appear in a pre-recorded segment in which she recites a poem alongside Oscar-nominated actress Fernanda Montenegro, who will recite the same poem in Portuguese. Breaking down barriers. Building bridges.

One person who sadly won't be appearing tonight is Brazilian footballing legend Pele. The 75-year-old had been due to light the Olympic cauldron to officially open the Games but was forced to withdraw just hours ago due to ill health.

No opening ceremony would be complete without some musical performances - who could forget Macca? - and this time round we'll be treated to the stylings of young pop singer Anitta, guitarist Caetano Veloso and veteran singer Gilberto Gil. Earlier today I went to the trouble of listening to Anitta's back catalogue and am pleased to report that it's a veritable feast for the ears. If you fancy a sneak peek of what we have in store later, get stuck into her debut hit 'Show das Poderosas' (roughly translated: 'Concert of Powerful Girls'):

More than 100 dignitaries from around the world are in attendance at the Maracana tonight. Representing GB we have old Queenie's daughter, Princess Anne, who will be joined by US secretary of state and official Boris-lover John Kerry, French president Francois Hollande and the UN secretary-general Ban Ki-moon.

When that cauldron lights up tonight, the Games will OFFICIALLY be open, but the action is technically underway already. Women's football opened up proceedings on Wednesday - OFFICIALLY known as "Day -2" - with the men's version following yesterday. Earlier today the archery got underway in impressive fashion as South Korea's Kim Woo-jin set a new OFFICIAL world record, scoring 700 in the 72-arrow round to better the 699 set by countryman Im Dong-Hyun four years ago.

If you haven't been introduced to the Olympic mascot yet, please meet Vinicius. This bizarre creature - named after Brazilian lyricist Vinicius de Moraes - apparently combines "the agility of cats, sway of monkeys, grace of birds". In case you're wondering, the Paralympic equivalent is the less-exotically named 'Tom'.

Half an hour to go and to get ourselves in the mood, let's chant the Olympic anthem: "Citius! Altius! Fortius!" Translated, that's "Faster! Higher! Stronger!" Coincidentally that's also the phrase you're most likely to hear being shouted from my bedroom on a Saturday night.

A special welcome to any Americans following along with our coverage this evening. Despite the East Coast of the US only being one hour behind Brazilian time, broadcaster NBC has opted to show tonight's ceremony on a one-hour tape delay instead of airing it live. The same broadcaster has previously - unsuccessfully - attempted to get the IOC to change the order of tonight's Parade of Athletes from using the Portuguese language to the English language so that the US would be entering towards the end of the parade. As it stands, 'Estados Unidos da America' are entering in position 69.

Team GB has sent out 336 athletes to Rio for the Games, but only one in ten of them will be marching around the Maracana tonight. Competition in several events begins bright and early tomorrow morning, so many of the athletes have decided to stay in the village and watch the ceremony on TV instead.

Could three-time French Open winner Gustavo Kuerten be Pele's replacement to light the torch tonight? That's what the BBC pundits are speculating - and not long until we find out...

Quite a sober start to the BBC's coverage, despite Clare Balding's best efforts to jazz things up with an orange waistcoat. Around about this time in 2012, Huw Edwards was down on the pitch at the Olympic Stadium mingling with some cows.

Good luck messages have been coming in thick and fast for Team GB - everyone from Prince Charles to Sandi Toksvig and Patricia Routledge have wished them well. Here's what newly-anointed prime minister Theresa May had to say to the athletes:

T-minus ten minutes to go and Balding is trying to break up the tedium by insulting Sir Steve Redgrave's choice of clothing. She has a point, to be fair. Buy a suit man.

I thought I'd done a decent job of padding for almost two hours, but the BBC aren't even trying. 15 minutes in to their warm-up coverage and they've stuck on a highlights reel from the 2012 opening ceremony.

Here we go. The crowd are in rowdy voice as a countdown begins and the Maracana lights up in blue...

Aerial shots of Brazilians swimming, playing football, basketball, golf. Rock-climbing, cycling, rowing. Walking a tight-rope. Paragliding, sailing. No-one playing boules?! Scandal.

Back in the stadium and what can only be described as scraps of tin foil are being moved around in a mildly pleasing manner. This budget is being spent hard and it's being spent fast.

Applause for Thomas Bach, president of the IOC, appearing in the role at an Olympics for the first time. The audience are summoned to their feet for the Brazilian national anthem, 'Hino Nacional Brasileiro'. Translated into English, that means 'Brazilian National Anthem'. Seriously.

Up yours, Danny Boyle. At the London opening ceremony we had a history of the UK, but here in Brazil they're going one better and giving us a history of life itself, starting with bacteria.

Out come some microbes. If they don't skip a few steps of evolution this could wind up lasting longer than the flags bit.

Dinosaurs are wiped from Brazil's version of history as tribespeople stalk the Amazon rainforest.

Brazil has been flooded with immigrants for a good five minutes now - Europeans, Africans, Syrians... even the Japanese are getting involved.

Very cool 3D floor projections now depict the emergence of large, contemporary cities across Brazil. Dancers perform a series of Parkour moves across the scenery.

"Sports climbing", as it's known, will actually be an official sport on the programme for the next Olympics - Beijing in 2020 - alongside skateboarding, karate, surfing and baseball.

The Brazilians have now claimed ownership of the first flight back from the Wright Brothers, with a scene depicting Alberto Santos-Dumont's 1906 heavier-than-air flight. Americans must be up in arms.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen struts the length of the stadium as 'Girl From Ipanema' plays and the crowd applauds... well, her beauty. She wasn't mugged after all. It seems as if her job was literally to walk from one end of the stadium to the other.

Blimey, Macy Gray has not aged well.

Oh wait, that was actually 79-year-old singer Elza Soares, known in Brazil as "the Brazilian Tina Turner".

What appears to be around 50 tickle-me-Elmos are having a dance-off with the tin foil scraps from earlier in the show.

It's one big party in the Maracana as everyone dances and sings along to a style of music called 'topical country'. Think Chas 'n Dave in Majorca.

An explosion of fireworks and bright, beautiful colour as the music comes to a close while the Elmos and tin foil scraps shuffle out of the way.

Here's a picture of Gisele having a strut earlier. Apparently that was her last ever catwalk. This woman will never walk again. Ever.

Getting a bit preachy now as maps show the potential effects of climate change as entire cities, regions and countries are wiped out by rising sea levels. Laters, Dubai! Adios Florida! And who needs Amsterdam anyway?

Now it's time for the part I've literally been waiting FOUR YEARS for. Flags! Flags! Lots of flags!

As is tradition, we begin with Greece. A 90-strong team is led out by sailor Sofia Bekatorou, the first ever woman the Greeks have allowed to bear their flag.

As a reminder, the nations are coming out alphabetically according to the Portuguese alphabet. Great Britain is 81st on the list.

Huge cheers for Brazilian neighbours Argentina, led out by the Brooklyn Nets' Luis Scola.

Aruba's flagbearer, the sailor Nicole van der Velden, is going to have someone's eye out with her flag. Mark my words.

Second biggest cheer of the night goes to the Independent Olympic Participants from Kuwait.

Another huge team out next as the 421 athletes from Australia make their entrance, led by cycling legend Anna Meares.

The Austrians come out in very tight-fitting lederhosen.

We're into the Cs now, as Cape Verde make their entrance. BBC commentator Hazel Irvine helpfully informs us that there are direct flights to there from Gatwick, Manchester and Birmingham.

Another huge delegation now as the 314-strong Canadian team march out, all head to toe in red.

Next, the 412 athletes of China, led by the tall fencer Lei Sheng. First the women, all in yellow, followed by the men, all in red.

Here we have the Cook Islands, officially the laziest nation competing at the Olympics. According to research, 80% of the population undertake less than 150 minutes of moderate exercise a week. In case you were wondering, the figure is 37.3% for GB and a surprisingly lower 32.4% for the US...

Ahh, Djibouti. If you can name the prime minister of the UK but not the president of Djibouti then I'm afraid to tell you, you're a racist.

Huge cheers as a beaming Rafa Nadal comes out bearing his Spanish flag. Just a few days ago Rafa was still a doubt for the Olympics after an injury-blighted season to date but he's now confirmed his participation in the men's and mixed doubles events.

And here come the United States, led by the most decorated Olympian of all time, Michael Phelps...

With 554 athletes competing, it's taking quite a while to get all of Team USA into the Maracana.

Team GB enter the stadium, expertly led by Andy Murray, who's holding the flag with just one hand. More remarkably, Andy Murray... is SMILING.

Ireland's turn in the spotlight now, as light-flyweight boxer Paddy Barnes leads out a 77-strong team. We're almost at the halfway point...

All in yellow, out come the Jamaicans led by Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce, who is bidding for a third consecutive gold in the 100m at this year's Games.

107th out, Kosovo. Competing for the first time at an Olympics after they were formally recognised by the IOC two years back, Kosovo have sent along eight athletes to Rio.

Moldova now, and this one is significant because among their number is British taekwondo superstar Aaron Cook, who switched allegiances to the Eastern European country after being overlooked by Team GB for London 2012 despite ranking as the world number one at the time.

We've now been watching flags for some 79 minutes and we're about 2/3rds through. Come back tin foil, all is forgiven..

Out come Nepal, who have the youngest athlete at the Olympics among their ranks - 13-year-old swimmer Gaurika Singh.

Huge applause for the Portuguese, all dressed in denim jeans, led by veteran sailor Joao Rodrigues.

Russia coming up shortly - how will the crowd react?

It's fair to say, a mixed reception. Some cheers but the first (and presumably last) round of boos of the night. The 271 athletes who weren't booted out for doping are all smiles and seemingly unaffected by the large ketamine-filled cloud hanging over the nation.

Well here's a hint...

An Olympics debut for South Sudan, dancing happily in their black suits with yellow ties. They look more like flight attendants than athletes, to be completely honest.

Leading out Sweden, 38-year-old Therese Alshammar, the first female swimmer to compete at six Olympic Games. Yes, six.

Nation 194 is the South Pacific island of Tuvalu and this is significant because it has just one athlete: 24-year-old sprinter Etimoni Timuani, who is serving as his own flag bearer.

The arrival of Uzbekistan represents a special moment: JUST TEN FLAGS TO GO!

Huge, huge applause as the penultimate team come out - the ten-strong Refugee Olympic Team. Everyone is on their feet for what is a truly special moment.

And now, the final nation: BRAZIL! The stadium is in full voice as the 477-strong team come out, led by modern pentathlon star Yane Marques.

All of the athletes have now taken their positions inside the Maracana. A series of mirrors have somehow transformed into vegetation in the familiar sight of five interlocked rings...

Here's that moment...

Speeches time! The head of Rio 2016 prattles on for a bit in a variety of different languages. You can imagine the sort of things he's saying - athletes are great, unity, acceptance, dreams.

IOC president Thomas Bach takes over. "These first ever Olympic games in South America will go from Brazil to the entire world. The IOC, Brazilian authorities and all Brazilians can be very proud tonight. With the Olympic Games as a catalyst, you achieved in just seven years what generations before you could only dream of. You have transformed the wonderful city of Rio de Janiero into a modern metropolis and made it even more beautiful. Our admiration for you is even greater because you managed this at a very difficult time in Brazilian history. We have always believed in you."

"We are living in a world of crisis, mistrust and uncertainty. Here is our Olympic answer. The 10,000 best athletes in the world competing with each other but at the same time living with each other in one Olympic village, sharing their meals and their emotions. In this Olympic world there is one universal law for everybody - we are all equal. We see that the values of our shared humanity are stronger than the forces that want to divide us. So I call upon you., the Olympic athletes, respect yourself, respect each other, respect the Olympic values which make the Olympic games unique for you and the entire world. We are living in a world where selfishness is gaining ground, where certain people claim to be superior to others. Here is our Olympic answer, in the spirit of Olympic solidarity and with the greatest respect, we welcome the Refugee Olympic Team."

"Refugee athletes, you are sending a message of hope to all the many millions of refugees around the globe. You had to flee from your homes because of violence, hunger or just because you were different. Now you are making a great contribution to society. In this Olympic world, we do not just tolerate diversity, we welcome you as an enrichment to our unity in diversity. There are millions of people around the world who contribute in different ways to make our world a better place through sport. The IOC has created a unique distinction which we award for the first time now. Ladies and gentlemen, in recognition of his outstanding achievements in education, culture and peace, the Olympic laurel is awarded to the great Olympic champion and great Olympic philanthropist Kip Keino."

Kip Keino comes running into the stadium. The two-time gold medallist middle-distance runner is now 76 but he's still got some speed on him. He holds the inaugural award proudly above his head.

Clearly choked up, Keino addresses the crowd: "I'm extremely honoured to be the first recipient of such an historic and important award from my friend Thomas, the president of the IOC. As much as I continue to receive this award, I would like to thank my family, my friends and all who have supported me. My request to you, all sportsmen and women, is to join me in the continuation to support all the youth of the world to get basic humanity: food, shelter and education. I believe we came to this world with nothing, we will leave this world with nothing."

Michel Temer, acting president of Brazil, declares the Games officially open as fireworks once again illuminate the stadium.

Now a bunch of Olympic-branded formalities must follow. First up, the Olympic Flag™ is carried into the stadium.

Next, the crowd are ordered to stand as the Olympic Anthem™ plays while the Olympic Flag™ is hoisted up the Olympic Pole™.

Now it's time for the Olympic Oaths™, which are recited in turn by an athlete, a coach and an official on behalf of all participants.

Someone's feeling pretty proud tonight...

Music time... that means hello to ANITTA!

Well this couldn't be a celebration of Brazil without a bit of the old Carnival, could it? Lots of colour and noise. A typical Friday night out in Soho for me.

One final formality to check off the list now - it's time for the Olympic flame. As predicted earlier, the three-time French Open champion Gustavo Kuerten is the man with the honour.

En route, he hands the flame over to basketball legend Hortencia Marcari, who in turn takes it a short distance before passing it on to its final recipient: Vanderlei Cordeiro de Lima, bronze medalist in the marathon at the 2004 Games.

Ascending the stairs, Vanderlei uses the flame to light the cauldron, which will now burn continuously until the close of the games on August 21. Fireworks erupt from the roof of the Maracana, illuminating the Rio skyline in bursts of red, yellow and orange as the opening ceremony draws to a close.

That's about all we have time for this evening. Thanks for joining us and do make sure you stick with Sports Mole over the next 16 days for complete coverage of every twist and turn in Brazil. With that, I'm off to enjoy a Caipirinha or two - until next time!