Hola y welcome to our live text commentary of Real Madrid's La Liga visit to Espanyol. I'd have loved to complete that whole sentence in Spanish, but, em, I don't speak Spanish. In fact, I make David Moyes sound like Guillem Balague. Or somebody else who is very Spanish. Who knows. We're digressing. So, Espanyol and Real Madrid. Shall we have a look at both sides' early-season fortunes before team news? Why not.

So, Rafael Benitez - who is now Real Madrid manager, incase you're just awaking from a cryogenic sleep - led his new team to a 0-0 draw away to newly-promoted Sporting Gijon in typical Rafa style on gameweek one. In contrast, and also in typical Rafa style, they only went and hammered Real Betis 5-0 before the international break. Cristiano Ronaldo was NOT among the goalscorers. You're still too shocked about Benitez being at Real to care, aren't you? Me too.

And what about Espanyol? Well, Sergio's men edged out Getafe 1-0 here in their Liga curtain-raiser, before losing 3-1 at Villarreal to enter the international break on a bit of a downer it has to be said. Bear in mind that this is their first season in, say, five years without having star striker and part-time golfer Sergio Garcia spearhead their attack, so bags of goals may be in short supply for a while.

Speaking of goals being in short supply, Ronaldo, who scored three hat-tricks in his final four games last season, hasn't scored in any of his two outings yet this season! Is he depressed? Past it? Broken? If he draws another blank here then look out for those theories, such is our knee-jerk nature. But he probably will because he smashed a hat-trick against them last term. A 'perfect' hat-trick, might I add. Watch this space.

But is he playing? That's the question. Let's find out. Stay tuned. Spanish teams insist on releasing their team news late, and in the form of videos, so it's not ideal!

ESPANYOL XI: Lopez; Arbilla, Alvaro, Ciani, Duarte; Victor, Lopez, Alvarez, Salva; Gerard, Caicedo

REAL MADRID XI: Navas; Pepe, Ramos, Carvajal, Marcelo; Modric, Casemiro, Isco; Bale, Ronaldo, Benzema

ESPANYOL SUBS: Bardi, Montanes, Canas, Fuentes, Jordan, Raillo, Mamadou

REAL MADRID SUBS: Casilla, Varane, Kroos, Kovacic, Arbeloa, Vazquez, Jese

Right, we'll start with Real, because it's polite, and Rafa makes four changes. Injured right-back Danilo drops out for Dani Carvajal, while Pepe displaces Raphael Varane in central defence. In midfield, Toni Kroos drops out for Casemiro, and the injured James Rodriguez makes way for Isco. And of course Ronaldo starts! He's joined in attack by Gareth Bale and Karim Benzema.

Espanyol, meanwhile, makes two changes, with Salva Sevilla - who has scored one of their two goals this season - coming into the midfield in place of Francisco Montañés, while defender Michael Ciani displaces Antonio Raillo. Felipe Caiecedo, who scored in the 3-1 defeat at Villarreal last time out, continues upfront alongside summer signing Gerard Moreno.

DID YOU KNOW? Speaking of Ronaldo, did you know that he scored his first ever away goal for Madrid against Espanyol? Well, now you do.

This is the 'take your ball and run home' drill employed by Benitez. We haven't seen it during a game yet because they haven't fallen behind, but once they do expect to see the game abandoned. Well, it's either that or a fusion between football and croquet. Who knows.

What we do know is that kickoff is in, hmm, 28 minutes! Let's look at stats.

DID YOU KNOW? Here's part two in the Did You Know series, which may be the last segment, depending on whether or not new stats fall into my lap. Anywho, did you know that Los Blancos have won 95 games & scored 353 goals against Espanyol? Historically, they fare better against this mob than any other side! Interesting, eh?

Carlo Ancelotti's side went and hit SEVEN past Espanyol last season, recording a 4-1 win here toward the end of the season, having already beaten them 3-0 at the Santiago Bernabeu. Ronaldo hit three in the former and few would back against him emulating that feat. He hasn't scored in two games. What happens when a lion doesn't eat for two days? That's right - they rip up the Serengeti, demolishing everything in sight. Watch this space.

PREDICTION! Right, 20 minutes to go so let's lodge an aul' pre-match prediction. 3-1 Real. It should be relatively comfortable. Should. But ask Sporting Gijon and they'll tell you that winning a point against the Blancos is not as ominous as it sounds.

Let's go out and see how the masses - or maybe just people on Twitter - view this one.

Go big or go home is the message from this Madrista, who might be a tad over-zealous here.

This is a bit more like it from Hnoody Devil, who would take a straight-forward 3-0 win. Best of luck to him.

We're not sure what this fellow is trying to say. Perhaps he's had too much sun.

Meanwhile, this brave young soul is not having suggestions that victory is a foregone conclusion. He's just not having it. He goes against the grain and predicts a home win! Honourable, but he reminds us of people who take the biggest offer on The Chase and then get caught within two questions.

We've got seven minutes to go. Only seven. Time flies when we're having fun.

And here come the lads. Both sets of players filter on to the field and we're closing in on kickoff!

It's a beautiful sunny day in Catalunya. What a day for football. Well, watching football - or reading it, in your case - because I don't fancy playing in these conditions.

Gareth Bale still has the man bun going on, looking like a homeless samurai. Will he cut down Espanyol with the precision as he did Real Betis two weeks ago? Time will tell.

KICKOFF: And we're off in Catalunya! Real, playing in their silver kit, will not be settling for second best again come May and there's a big three points on offer here.

CHANCE! What a start this would've been for Espanyol. Marcelo is too advanced and Felipe Caicedo latches on to a through ball before showing Ramos a clean pair of heels, but his angled effort under pressure from the Real captain is just wide of Navas's far post. Fine effort.

Scratch that - it was actually a save by Navas! He must've tipped it just wide. At the other end, Ronaldo fires harmlessly over the bar from a tight angle. Excellent start.

No goals in two games? Who cares says Ronaldo, who nets his first of the season! He latches on to Modric's excellent crossfield ball, with Espanyol's defensive line ridiculously high, and casually slots past Pau Lopez. Simple.

Bale now looks like being through on goal, but he's flagged offside. Why is Espanyol's line so high? I mean positionally - not, well, you know.

Brilliant little backheel from Ronaldo splits Espanyol's defence, but Bale wasn't expecting it and he's a little flat footed. Had they been on the same wavelength there then that's a big chance. Espanyol have responded well but it's such a big ask.

PENALTY TO REAL MADRID! Alvaro Gonzalez brings down Bale following Benzema's clever ball and it's a peno!

Make that two for Ronaldo and two for Real Madrid. Pau Lopez guesses right, but the Portuguese sticks it right in the corner and the Blancos in cruise control now.

There can be so few better ways to bounce back from a two-game barren spell than netting a 20-minute hat-trick. Stunning from Ronaldo. Oddly, he hasn't had much to do in his last two, as Bale's exquisite cross has it on a plate for the Portuguese to tap home. Amazing.

Lord knows how Casemiro has avoided a yellow card here. He has gone through Sevilla for a shortcut but the referee gives him the benefit of the doubt.

This is really, really poor from Espanyol. They started so well but it's descended into farce since.

SHOT! Slightly better from the hosts, as Salva Sevilla fires at goal and Navas fumbles, but the Costa Ricaan gathers it up shortly after.

OFF THE BAR! Pepe, or possible Sergio Ramos, sees a looping header drop on to the crossbar but Lopez had it covered. This is ruthless from Real.

This is like playing your arthritis-ravaged granny in Pro Evo. Bale plays in Ronaldo, who has a ridiculous amount of space on the left-hand side, before he passes across the face of goal for Benzema to tap in. What is happening?

CHANCE! At 4-0 down, the game is more or less over but Gerard Moreno missed a chance to reduce the arrears by heading over the bar. Could, and definitely should, have scored.

Alvaro Gonzalez might be having the worst game in history here. He has conceded a penalty, lost Ronaldo for the third goal, and just now he over-hits a simple cross which, had it been accurate, probably would've led to a goal. Shocker.

CHANCE! Better from Espanyol as they try to find gaps, but Moreno has another fine chance as he pulls his near-post drive into the side-netting. The angle was against him, but it was a chance.

Right, five minutes from the break and Ronaldo has effectively wrapped this up already, but Espanyol have had some really good chances and they'll kicking themselves - and if not then Sergio will certainly kick them.

OFF THE POST! This is just, like, ridiculously easy. They look like scoring with every attack, and Benzema fires a low shot against the post. Hopefully for Espanyol's sake they calm down after the break.

Well, that was particularly gruesome. Cristiano Ronaldo's hat-trick inside 20 minutes, along with Benzema's tap-in shortly after, has given Real a FOUR-goal lead. Espanyol were like lambs to the slaughter. Their defensive line was too high and Sergio Gonzalez was asking for this demolition.

KICKOFF: We're back underway. Can Espanyol possibly get back into this? It's unlikely, but let's see.

SHOT! Very much a case of as you were here, and even right-back Carvajal wants to get in on the act but his shot flies wide of the near post.

Bale delivers another fine ball, but Pau Lopez collects before Ronaldo can tap home his fourth. Believe it or not, but the Portuguese looked frustrated! Three isn't enough for him.

To say one-way traffic just wouldn't do this one justice, my friends. Real pour forward in their droves and Casemiro fires over the bar just then.

REAL SUB: First sub now as Modric is replaced by Mateo Kovacic. He is not injured, but Real have Champions League duty in midweek.

Espanyol's defence is too narrow. I'm not a manager, believe it or not, but Real's width is causing all sorts of problems.

There's about a half-an-hour left then and oddly, Real don't look like scoring another yet. Espanyol have come back into it a little.

Okay so I perhaps spoke too soon. It's five and four from Ronaldo who, again, only needs to tap home from inside the box after Bale stuck it on a plate for him. Simple as you like.

ESPANYOL SUB: Joan Jordan replaces Victor Sanchez now, which is a shame because he was the only one capable of creating anything.

BOOKING: Jose Canas goes into the book for cynically bringing down Kovacic. He had precious little choice. It'd probably led to a sixth.

BOOKING: Kovacic fouls Montanes and Espanyol will whip this into the box.....

CLOSE! The free kick is pants but the ball comes to Montanes, who whips in a fantastic cross at the far post and Moreno's awkward volley is drilled into the side-netting. Not a goalscoring chance, but better from the hosts.

CHANCE! How it's not 5-1 I'll never know. I think it was Salva Sevilla, whose shocking header is straight at Navas, who fumbles, but Moreno then puts the rebound wide. So poor.

REAL SUB: Th visitors make their second sub now as captain Ramos trods off for Raphaele Varane. Defender for a defender! Benitez senses an Espanyol goal was coming.

He couldn't get a double hat-trick, could he? Surely not. It's brilliant work from Lucas Vazquez, who skips around Canas like he's not there before pulling back for the Portuguese, who drills first time into the bottom corner.

CHANCE! Oh my word it very nearly is a double hat-trick as Ronaldo runs on to an over-the-top ball before pulling his volley just wide. He's useless!

Two minutes to go then and this has just been cruel by Real. They have well and truly demolished Espanyol today and they'll be begging for the final whistle.

The referee doesn't even bother with the added time! Wow. Well, that was particularly gruesome. Cristiano Ronaldo's FIVE goals help Real to a 6-0 win and that's that. What a performance.

Anywho, that's us. Cheers for joining our live text commentary and we'll see you next time!